The Cucumber, Pickle and Penis

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The cucumber said, "Man, my lifesucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

"So," the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar."

The penis glared at them both and said, "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out."

Bill Clinton's letter to John Hinckley:

For those of you who may not be completely aware of John Hinckley, who he is, what he did, and why, here's a little history. John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan many years back. John was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and extremely jealous as well, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself known to her, attempted to assassinate President Reagan.


He recently has been granted weekend furloughs
from the mental hospital. With that in mind... the staff at the mental facility treating John Hinckley reports intercepting the following letter from Bill Clinton:

To: John Hinckley

From: Bill Clinton

Dear John,

Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.

Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young
man.

Best wishes,

Bill & Hillary Clinton

P.S.: Barack Obama is screwing Jodie Foster.

Gynecologist's Assistant Opening

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville,
Florida , and sees a card advertising for a
Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to
learn more -

'Can you give me some more details about this?' he
asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies
'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you get the
l adies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help
them out of their underwear, lie them down and
carefully wash their private regions, then apply
shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub
in soothing oils so that they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary
of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford,
Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here.'

'Oh, is that where the job is?'

'No sir - that's where the end of the line is!'

Capoeira Fighting

Michael Phelps - The Beginning

Why Obama Doesn't Salute the Flag

Obama explains why he doesn't salute the US Flag

Obama 'explains' I sure hope this gets around before Nov.!!! On Sat, 22 Mar 2008 18:48:04 -0400, 'LTG Bill Ginn' USAF ret. forwarded the following: Hot on the heels of his explanation for why he no longer wears a flag pin, presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama was forced to explain why he doesn't follow protocol when the National Anthem is played. According to the United States Code, Title 36, Chapter 10, Sec. 171, During rendition of the national anthem when the flag is displayed, all present except those in uniform are expected to stand at attention facing th e flag with the right hand over t he heart. 'As I've said about the flag pin, I don't want to be perceived as taking sides,' Obama said. 'There are a lot of people in the world to whom the American flag is a symbol of oppression. And the anthem itself conveys a war-like message. You know, the bombs bursting in air and all. It should be swapped for something less parochial and less bellicose. I like the song 'I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing.' If that were our anthem, then I might salute it.' Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this could possibly be our next president!! I, for once, am speechless. He has absolutely NO pride in this country!!!!! This is outrageous!!!! He doesn't deserve to be dogcatcher!!! (Oh, sorry dogcatchers, I mean you no disrespect.) LET'S SEND THIS CLOWN DOWN THE ROAD KICKING ROCKS!!!! Please for all our sake especially our childern and grand children Forward this to EVERYONE YOU KNOW

Finally! Proof!

This underage sh*t is getting out of hand!!!!!! What more proof do they need??

Ice Fishing 2008

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner. After much back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none. That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish), Harry asked Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?' Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

The Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating
that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man". And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's Barack Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling fan.

Psalm 2008-2012

PSALM 2008-2012 from the FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRAT Obama Is My Shepherd, I Shall Not Want. He Leadeth Me Beside Still Factories, He Restoreth My Faith In The Republican Party, He Guideth Me In The Paths Of Unemployment. Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Bread Line, I Shall Not Go Hungry . Obama Has Anointed My Income With Taxes, My Expenses Runneth Over My Income, Surely, Poverty And Hard Living Will Follow Me All The Days Of My Life. The Democrats And I Will Live Forever In a Rented Room. But I Am Glad I Am an American, I Am Glad That I Am Free. But I Wish I Was A Dog And Obama A Tree.